How Do Contact-lenses Work?

Love is trusting. It was like in my brain I was a kid with my head cocked to the side, trying to understand the concept of the those clear little never-popping oddly flat bubbles my mom put in her eyes every day even though they made her cry. 

Love. IS. Trusting? If I had read it out loud I would have immediately followed with, "Idon'tunderstandhowthatworks." It makes sense to think that if you are loving, then you are trustworthy. But love first is trusting? That's really interesting. So I put it to work. God loves us, so He trusts us? Stepping into that thought was like tentatively walking into the ocean and taking a step further to find the sand suddenly drops a foot and now the water is up to your chest. So I took a step in a different direction. Not really, apparently at this point I was in the grips of the current, cause it only felt like I went deeper. God asks us to love others, so He really is asking us to trust them? Like trust them with our things? With us? With others? Trust what they say, what they claim? Like trrruuussst them. Come on. 

Okay, here I'm going to rattle off into my train of thought after I asked the page these questions. You might not have thought like this, but maybe you have. Either way, I'll be real with you. 

So to love someone is to trust them? That literally makes zero sense. I mean it does a little (of course), but why would that be in there. I want to be loving towards people, so I have to actually trust them. Like if love was in my heart, then trust would be too? And that's saying that God trust me, because He does love me. That seems ridiculous. When does that qualify as okay? I mean can totally see someone entrusting something to someone that doesn't really matter, or that you can fix or help out if something goes wrong... like asking your kid to carry in the sealed can of peanuts while you get the rest of the groceries. But that really seems way to easy.  

Love is a huge deal. A huge deal. I'm sure to trust-love someone is not as simple as asking them to carry the most durable lightweight insignificant grocery in from the car. One that you don't even really need. 

To love someone, and trust them. That takes a lot of love. And it takes a lot of actual trust. It takes an immense amount of security, and confidence, and faith. Which is why we don't trust anyone. Now, I'm going to go back into my own thoughts, how I was thinking to myself...

Why don't I want to trust people. Why wouldn't I naturally. If trust is a part of love, an indicator even, of love, then what's the gap? Because just trusting people never works. Those things I said before, putting those in a person is obviously, usually, an automatic no-go if anyone has had any experience with humans (...to think about kids.. how they trust...and then when they all of the sudden don't anymore). 

Love for others comes straight from God. Love at its best comes straight from God. Maybe that's why the word "Love" comes before the word "trusts." It definitely doesn't say trusting is love. So for me to be in that type of communion of Love with others, I've got to first be in that communion of Love with God. Or at least be in some communion of Love, with Him. Real Love. His Love, not mine. Meaning that... for me to trust others really is for me to trust God. If I really trusted Him, the Father of the universe then what is trusting another person? It's first an act of trusting Him, and actually is entirely just trusting Him if you think about it. Thats what that trust is rooted in, thats what that trust is made of, even if it is towards and in another person. But even to know all this... where does that leave us? Still, here, right now, here, where we were and how we felt two minutes ago. 

AKA this really is not even close to being as simple as a paragraph on your screen. I couldn't even tell you how to do it, or how long it takes, or how to really get there, because I'm not yet! But to think, that what God asks us to do, that "command" to love, is really just a beckon towards Him, is wild. He isn't saying throw your day into someone else's hands, He isn't saying throw your paycheck into someone else's hands, He isn't saying throw your heart, mind, body into someone else's hands. No, not blindly, not impulsively, not with a strive towards faith, or a strive to prove your "love," or a strive to help someone else "know love."

Why in the world does Paul write "love trusts"? Because we literally cannot comprehend a love that really would. Because the real Love does. 

So to comprehend that Love, that Love that Paul talks about, we have to dig, think, weigh out, search, listen. We have to look at ourselves, look at our world, look at the rest of Paul's letter, the rest of that book we now have. We have to go further, to the greater, to the unknown, to the wilder, more wonderful, mysterious ways of God to understand, and to have that; to have Love. And then to give it. 

Our love, here, doesn't seem to do all of those things at once very often, almost never. But later in that book, it says that we can do them all at once, that we can experience them all at once, that that Love is possible to hold, here. It's what we're made for. Thats why we randomly post words from that little paragraph everywhere, without even knowing where it comes from, or who said it, or the entirety of it at all. Because we want it, we want to believe in it, and we want to experience it and give it and have it be reality. Like actually reality. It seems like a leap of faith to even imagine that. 

Well, it's real. And it can be. 100%. So be beckoned. Dig deeper. Push harder. And then be totally lifted. If you haven't found it yet, and you want it still, that means there's something waiting. 

What Are We Truly Saying Perhaps... (Written 8.28.13)

Before I begin, I want to first lay out my purpose, my motivation. I simply aim to jog the brain, to provoke contemplation about our own selves, the source in which all that we put forth comes or moves through. I don't type to bash or hate, and I try to avoid judging at all costs. But, as I've experienced thus far, I cannot promise that I don't do a significant amount of this as it seems one must, sincerely, in even the most justifiable ways. What I am trying to say is, I am here to question, to push, or nudge if you will, and to potentially discover, most of the time within myself. However, I am human as are you, we aren't very different if you really think about it. And that is good.

Now to move on to the purpose in which I truly came to type. I was on Facebook today, I'm sure most of you can relate. If not, I really believe that's great. Nonetheless, much can be discovered through social media and today I came across a video with an intriguing title: "Russell Brand May Have Started a Revolution Last Night." Revolution is a strong word, we throw it around a lot in music, in common talk, as if we are actually revolting, as if we actually wish to revolt. But nonetheless it continues to hold an air of authority and excitement. I checked the video out, and really liked what I saw and what I heard. I don't know much about Russell Brand but I do know I only think him half funny in the times where I've listened, which also isn't very much. However, he has something about him that not many have, he really seems to just not care, in the best yet potentially very offensive way possible. Regardless, I was more concerned about the word "Revolution" really than the fact that Russell Brand was saying it. Click here to watch the video. Yes, it was great, to say the least; tons to think about, tons to consider and pick apart, but lots of truth, and really potentially, yes, a revolutionary movement although I'm not sure its entirely credited to him. However, he got the chance to speak it and he did. He fought for it too, and he was definitely heard. He's being what he believes. I took away much from what he said, but I guess also some about Russell Brand, and the way he's working his passions and beliefs. Two great things. I posted the video so that other's might potentially do the same. If not to take away things similar to what I did, but to take away something, or potentially provoke thought about something.

However I did not expect the first comment the video received:

"Wow I did not expect ideas like this from someone in hollywood, Russell Brand now has my respect."

Sorry to not spare anyone by not being vague, paraphrasing would do no help. However, keep in mind that I am simply using this comment as a ground, as I don't in any way feel that something said like this is unique.

By this, I was offended, maybe not for Russell Brand specifically, but for those of the collection of humanity that happen to be involved in or live in Hollywood. East-coast goers, California is not too far away, and the only thing that we are more of than anyone in Hollywood is oblivious of what is going on in this country and the world. In addition, people in Hollywood are people, they are us, we are them, it is that way with people in Africa, people in China, people in the redneck woods of West Virginia and the boondocks of Louisiana, people in Canada, and the downtown blue-light streets of Baltimore. Potentially the less we think of people as less or more, entirely different or entirely the same, the closer we get to them, the closer we get to ourselves, the closer we get to the big picture: what all of this is.

What are these judgements we make? I certainly would never want someone to judge me on what I wear, where I live, how much money I have, before asking me any questions, being in my presence, potentially looking in my eyes.  Yet I know at times I do. We cannot know, and we should not assume, without asking anything directly. And if something is discovered, heard, revealed, it should only be regarded as second-hand information, less than and never first-hand information. Simply because that is just what is it, second-hand information; opinions, conclusions. How could one not expect something, or expect something, without a judgement being made. Like I said, being judgmental is almost unavoidable in general. However, is it wise to just leave it at that? Or could things be improved by looking at what we judge, how we judge, who we judge, and why.

Why not expect ideas from "someone in hollywood" like that?

Who is  "someone in hollywood"? What does that mean?

Where could one get that definition from, if one could come up with one? And why is it so stable that one could make a generalized conclusion about one person like that?

Is it stable? Is it really true?

What is being said, really?

And what is any of this saying about who called the judgement?

Russell Brand is very intelligent. I did not get that from the interview, I know that because he is a successful comedian. One has to be. Its like rapping, you must be intelligent to be truly successful and respectable in that.

Russell Brand also probably does not care to have or gain your or my respect, not from watching that interview anyway. If you heard anything that he said clearly, he was trying to say something, he wanted us to listen to his words, he could probably care less what you or I thought about him afterwards. And honestly, what is your or my opinion of Russell Brand or anyone anyway? To put it bluntly, it only serves ourselves. Our opinions, judgements, conclusions, etc. They serve us, they reflect us, they affect us. Not anybody else, unless that person welcomes it or asks for it.

But Russell Brand was not doing that, I was not doing that with the purpose of posting my video. Nonetheless, the continuation of placing ourselves at the center of all things prevails, pushes forward, and continues to destroy, even if little by little.  And in most cases, this continues to go unnoticed, and sometimes not even just unnoticed, but encouraged.

As we continue to put ourselves in the center of the world, regarding our words, judgements, conclusions, beliefs as the highest, to be "rightfully considered as correct," we lose ourselves, we lose what is around us, we lose touch with that big picture, blinded and lost, we keep pushing forward continuing to ensure that we are right, holding onto all those judgments, claims, conclusions, until they potentially destroy us.

Because what happens if we are wrong?

If we are the center, and the center falls through, then what happens then, to the we? to the us? to the me? to the you?

An Element Rediscovered on a Cheap Flight Home (Written 8.13.13)

I just got back from one of the most amazing trips of my life. Not only because of what I did, but because of the sheer amount of unexpected depth, meaning, and discovery that it contained...along with the ridiculous amount of fun I had in the midst of it all. I took the cheapest flight back, the red eye, and ended up on a plane that, to say the least of it all, had a movie screen behind the headrest of each seat. So, I watched the only free movie - a three hour long compilation of clips from the Civil Rights movement and speeches given by Martin Luther King as well as a few others. The movie, however, was titled King. I wouldn't have watched it if it hadn't been made up of  95% live clips from the movement, the other 5% orally given poems. I am proud that the movie was an option, and I am even more glad that I watched it. Martin Luther King Jr. was a remarkable man. A lot of people say that, but not many actually think about why that is. I mean just actually think about it for a few minutes, then you will get a glimpse of the magnitude of what he did, of who he was, of how he was.
Today, as much as I could while also keeping peace with the wild lot of four year olds, I sat on the Internet and researched nonviolence, nonviolent resistance, nonviolent resistance tactics, training (didn't know that existed), and MLK. There are two types of nonviolent resistance. Philosophical and tactical. Martin Luther King lived nonviolence. Philosophical nonviolents, such as MLK tried to love their enemies and tried to refrain from violence in all aspects of their lives. They took action to oppose injustice and used "love and redemptive suffering to win over their enemies." To live and preach nonviolence at the level that Martin Luther King did, literally in the middle of one of the most hectic and violent movements in America, leading people through it...not just doing it, but leading others, masses of people, is remarkable. To be that disciplined, intelligent, passionate, socially and politically aware, self aware, convicted, and faithful is something that is really attained by maybe one or two a century. Not even... Definitely not even...
Reading all this stuff is enlightening in so many ways. But to be honest it made me think about myself a lot. I am obviously no Martin Luther King Jr.... But can I be? Do I decide if that happens? Or had something already decided that it won't? Is a passion and determination like that something that's triggered, sculpted, found, given, or simply, in most cases I guess..just not there?
So from here I started to look at what and who influenced Martin Luther King Jr. Gandhi and Jesus were two big ones. Big ones. And now MLK is up there with them. Both of these men, however, have very different stories, from each other and from MLK. Gandhi's experience was rough. I mean rough as in discouraging. Things just didn't seem to work. Failures after failures, but still with glimpses of success. He was unsuccessful in things from school, to political elections, to nonviolent protests, to his religious convictions...he was even plotted against by his own. However Gandhi kept at it. It took him years to gain "mastery over his sexual desires," encouraged greatly by his wife. He had to retreat to an old farm away from the masses for a few years at one point to escape false claims and corrupt plottings against him. He had to try and try again at opposing the same Bills, at first succeeding and then later that same success falling through. But between all these things he was constantly working himself up. From working as a writer for a political campaign, to embarrassing political leaders by writing letters to newspapers, a new form of protesting. He founded a newspaper that was a huge catalyst to his movements, later lead multiple strikes and marches, stood by his people and his principles, was thrown in jail a number of times, and was ultimately assassinated. As was Martin Luther King Jr. Gandhi led his own country to freedom and changed the lives of millions in South Africa. His name was changed to mean "a great soul." With all that put in short, one thing that I noticed, after all my questions in response to watching and learning about MLK, was that Gandhi had a rough time. He kept going at it. Kept learning and trying, and simply doing what he thought needed to be done and was right, for himself and then his people. He wasn't the best at everything, and struggled a lot with himself and with the people surrounding him, even ones that seemed to be on the same page. But remember, Gandhi was a huge influence for MLK. Him and Jesus. Jesus of Nazareth disrupted the norm so much that he was killed by the state. Not assassinated, but forced to be put to death by the masses, saving them all the same. This idea, nonviolent resistance, the fight for justice and truth with action...it's part of the whole thing. Disrupting the masses while continuing to love the enemy - it's an art to be learned by the Master, who the ones we look up to, constantly quote, and almost seem to attribute these qualities to more, learned from - Jesus of Nazareth, God Himself.

In the Days When the Judges Ruled, There Was Famine in the Land...

     Bonjour to you. First, we have now entered Christmas time. This is the greatest thing ever. Second, Francis Chan will most likely still be in this blog but the "stuff" I mentioned that was "too much" for my last blog is still being held off. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but I'm just clarifying :) Now, as I happily listen to Brenda Lee sing Rockin Around the Christmas Tree on my Pandora station, I will begin...
     Thanksgiving was, per usual, crazy. Good, but crazy. I used more gas than my mom does in a month in the past week driving to everyone's houses and get-togethers and I barely ate any food at all. If you know me this is SUPER weird. I had been so unbelievably excited to physically love on the people that I talk to everyday and think about all the time and God gave me opportunity after opportunity to do that. But I had no idea that loving could be so hard at times.
     Seeing everyone at home was literally awesome. It was so good to hug everyone, look them in the eye and listen to them, give them advice, laugh with them (and punch them *boys at church*). For a long time at school I wondered.."WHY am I at school?!" I wanted to be home so badly. Working in my church, spending time with the people I love, pouring into the new friendships I had made and building on the friendships I already was a part of. I wanted to help my mom, love on my dad, spend time with my siblings. I wanted to work and save money, go on a mission trip or help in the community as much as I could. WHY was I at school!?
     Well because all of those other things made up MY plan. That was MY idea of growth and MY idea of following the Lord. Not God's. This week He showed me why I was at school, and He, again, renewed my appreciation for it. To be away from everything I knew, to be left with nothing but God, to almost be physically stripped of the comfort of home was God's plan for my growth.
     It would take me hours to explain to you what I have been through at school. To explain to you the Godly friendships that I have made. Friendships that are only the way they are because of the Lord and the prevalence of Him in each of us. It would take me hours to explain the way God has changed my mind, my heart. The way He's taken my soul, my stress, my desires. It would take hours to explain what has happened to me in the past three months because my three months should have been six months. They should have been a year! What I mean is the amount that I've grown in the past three months matches up with everyone at school - We were all plucked out of our comfort zones, stripped of what we knew, and thrown together to do something great, to be worked on for something great - But to "home" I have changed at a rate and to a level that is not necessarily "normal".
     This was met with adversary. When we follow Jesus, God promises us faithfulness, God promises us love, companionship, salvation, but He also promises us persecution. In high school I experienced a little of this but I was much younger in my faith. I didn't really pay attention to it, thinking they just misunderstood Young Life. But I have never been persecuted and misunderstood by people that I love and are so close to me. It hurt badly, and was really tough to respond to in a Godly manner, but it was mostly sad - when you know that some of the people that you love so much, so much it hurts, would go to Hell if they died today. That's not okay.
     That is something else that I could talk about for hours. But I struggled a lot with this over break. And, I found, the only thing I can do is love them. And keep loving God. As much as I can and as visibly as I can.
     I have to admit next, that God took me away from home also to teach me to trust Him. And have faith in Him. This past week has been really crazy in regards to that. My youth group is my home, I love the people there more than they could ever know. I think about them every day and in the beginning of the school year that was around 70% of why I wanted to stay home. For them. But no! God was like  "Shannon I don't need you! I am the God of the universe! Hello!" <-- Said in low manly voice. And God is working in them! He is working in all of them, in so many ways its inexplicable. It's awesome. And when I went home He let me be a part of that. Which was crazy! It hurt so much to see so much brokenness, lack of faith, desperation, loss. But God was like..."Hey Imma use you for this.. oh and for this.. oh and for this too.. but I just want to let you know that I have this. I am carrying each one of these people. I am HERE. And my timing is the best." So God used me, and through using me taught me more about loving unconditionally, forgiving to be forgiven, having faith in Him, trusting Him, and being patient.
     Erin Abell and I were reading Ruth this week. Of course neither of us finished it. Feeling like we screwed up we finished the last chapters yesterday and talked about it last night. Oh, sometimes, how our ideas of doing things right can be so wrong. God's timing for that was perfect. Naomi, Boaz, and Ruth taught me so much. Naomi's story showed me God's faithfulness to us. How badly He wants our hearts and all of our heart. How He will strip us of all we have so that we will come back to Him. Naomi showed me what it means to be selfless. Boaz taught me about how a man is supposed to treat a woman and how crucial it is to do the right thing and not take things into our own hands. Ruth taught be about having faith in God's works, patience beyond words, obedience in a way that is unbelievable. She taught me about sacrifice, loyalty, and blind faith. She taught me about always doing your best and going out on the limb for God. By doing all of these things; trusting Him, waiting for His timing, obeying Him, and having faith, God preservers. Because Naomi's whole family died, because Ruth clung to her with loyalty, because Ruth so happened to walk into the right field, because Ruth was obedient, patient, and a risk taker. Because Boaz followed directions, did the right thing, and had self-control.. God blessed them. He blessed them all. They had NO IDEA but because they followed in each step they begot Obed, who begot Jesse, who begot David. And through David's lineage, Jesus.
     And how could I not trust Him, have faith in Him, and want to obey His every command?
   
   
   

My Life, Miscellaneously in Chronological Order

     I'm not quite sure how to start this. For some reason God's name feels too precious to even type out right now. I have been waiting and waiting to know what to blog about. So many things have happened in my heart and life in the past few weeks. So many things. And not only my heart but others. God really is amazing. As I begin, I want to let you know that most of these thoughts will probably come out sporadically. And I wouldn't be surprised if this blog is majorly long, so here's a forewarning for what you are getting yourself into. :P Per usual, I will try to organize it chronologically. But if you know me...you can testify that organization in general is not really my strength, especially when I'm overly passionate about something.
     A few weeks ago I went to the Pre-Passion concert. If you dont know what passion is, take a really quick break right now and go look it up, the blog can wait! :P Now that you know what Passion is and are hopefully thinking about going I'll move on. At Pre-Passion Louie Giglio spoke via video about revival. Something at that time, I was still struggling with containing my restlessness for. That night was CRAZY.
     Louie made me realize that I was so restless because I was waiting for revival. I wanted to go out and partake in it. I was scrambling to control what was happening in my head without letting it overcome and completely change my heart. Louie said it, "Draw a circle on the ground around you and pray, right now, ask God to start a revival. Ask Him to start it right there, inside the circle, with you." And then once the revival had begun in me, I can go to the outskirts of my circle and reach people, my family, then my friends, then my school, then the world. But it HAS to start with me. I screamed at myself, HELLO!!!! Of course. So I drew an imaginary circle, and I prayed.
     The rest of the night was pure joy. We sang at the top of our lungs, we danced around like goofs, we cried, and finally, we smiled to the point where our faces hurt. I hadn't smiled like that in a long time. I could not. Stop. Smiling! And I just kept singing "You are my joy! You are my joy! You are my joy! You are my JOY!!!!!" (If you dont know that song, take another breather and look it up now) :)
     Later in the week I went to CRU where a guest speaker was there for the night. MAN was he monotonous at first. He, of course, was a professor and all I could think about was how terrible his class would be. I jotted down on a piece of paper to Caroline, "I'm not connecting at all." She responded, "We're here for a reason." Conviction smack? Yes. I wrote back..."You're right." Prayed for God to open up my ears, heart, and mind, and started listening like it was my day job. (Oh, it is my day job! :P) All the sudden he was saying everything I needed to hear. Crazy huh? He talked about trials. There are three things we need to realize about trials. First, what the trial is. Second, the condition we are in, our true condition. Third, that trials point us to the feet of Jesus where we can have a relationship and process with Him. He made the analogy, we are the clay and got is the potter. I usually use the analogy, we are the clay and God is the kiln. I think the kiln is a little more accurate to what most of our trials feel like. At this point I started becoming thankful for what I was going through. I had asked Jesus to start a revival in me. I had asked Jesus to break my heart for what breaks His. I asked Him to convict me, change me, rid me of myself and fill me with Him. Why the heck am I always surprised when He does it!? The last thing that the speaker said was, trials are the shaping of us, like the potter shapes the clay, but Jesus shapes us for a lifetime. When He is done with the scraping, the shaping, the kiln, the painting, then and only then are we put on his mantelpiece by his throne.
     The next day I left for a weekend at Rockbridge to work on Work Crew for YL. It was a JMU thing ;) The weekend was great! I worked as an AM cook and got to wake up in the wee hours of the morning to cook like 400 pieces of french toast plus more. I also got to clean the drain. :) I'm really not being sarcastic. God knows how our hearts work. And serving is what brings joy 100%. The last night was amazing. Josh Goodman, the programmer, spoke, cried. Josh, a guy from our young life, spoke, cried. Pete Hardesty, the area director, spoke, cried. All for the passion of bringing people to Jesus. Three grown men cried because of the overwhelming love they have for the Lord and for the deep passionate need for people to know Jesus. Made me cry too! I cannot explain to you what happened in my heart during that one sitting. It changed my life forever. Pete explained that there are two things that will last forever. People, and the Bible. People will either go to Heaven or Hell. For eternity. The Bible, the Word, the story of Jesus, will last forever. And the only thing that matters. The ONLY thing that MATTERS in this entire universe and world. On this world, in our lives, for the rest of time, is for people to know Jesus. That is only thing that really matters. Nothing else! Nothing. My heart flipped. And so did my life. Probably the fifth 180 its taken since summer.
     Fast forward a week to the David Crowder concert. (+ John Mike McMillan, Chris August, and Gungor) It's amazing how God uses people (aka David Crowder) to speak to the ones He loves (aka everyone). It's also amazing how just thinking about God and Jesus and Heaven can make me cry. It's amazing.
     Now we are back to the present! This week has been weird. The beginning of the week was so dry. I didn't want to talk to God. I just wanted to sit and have the Holy Spirit pray for me. But that was just me refusing to pray. God already knew what was in my heart, and what was in my heart earlier this week I didn't feel like repeating back to Him. Thursday I went to a Deep Ceremony. It was at a local church and for college students. It was charismatic. Before you make your judgements take another breather and text or call me right now to ask me about it. I will tell you this though, God, the Spirit, was almost tangible.
     Friday I walked to Walmart and back, went to Leadership for YL and got anxious, excited, and restless about being a leader next year! Then we had a spontaneous dance party at one of the guy YL houses off campus. Then a sleepover and Friends. Saturday we walked to Dollar General and picked out stuff for the Operation Christmas Shoe Boxes we got from church (thanks mama for the cash), went to the game, made costumes for the Thanksgiving Party, went to the YL Thanksgiving Party, then went to a dance party again. Today my legs almost fell off.
    Church was great! Just having the opportunity to go worship and hear about Jesus is amazing. But later today was when I read something that really impacted me. Francis Chan people.
     It is too much for this blog. <3
   
   

Waking Up From My Slumber

"Days, they force you back under those covers. Lazy mornings they multiple. Glory's waiting outside your window. Wake on up from your slumber, baby open up your eyes." - NEEDTOBREATHE 

     God is so good. One way to tell --> NEEDTOBREATHE. I'm sure a ton of you agree. This song lifts my heart because I need it! The WORLD needs it! The song is about realizing that we are in a slumber! We are in a slumber of passiveness, of bitterness and hurt, of numbness. We are in a slumber of content, of confusion, of distraction. It's about waking up. Waking up and realizing God's love. Realizing the lack of anguish in our Christian and worldly communities. Realizing where we actually stand in our faith.
     If you asked me to describe how the past week has been I'd immediately know the word to use: restless. My heart has been restless, my body, and mostly my mind. My heart is so overwhelmed with longing for the Lord, longing for comfort, longing for SOMETHING. I have felt worthless, unproductive, unhelpful, pointless, and lazy with my relationship with God and it was killing me. All week I've been mentally beating myself up and praying to God for a job for a motive for Him to work through me. My mind is going crazy just trying to figure out what the heck is going on inside my heart! And of course to deal with this confusion I instinctively distracted myself with friends, family, school, music, sports, anything - essentially digging myself into a deeper hole. I was wrestling with God. But it was as if He was just not moving. I was pushing from all sides and He just wasn't going to budge. But He was pushing me too. I was just too worked up to notice.
     I can tell you that tonight has been the best night of my week because my heart is now at rest. Everything just came together. I can breath. I'm at peace. How the heck did that happen? Get ready.... :D!
     Tonight I sat down for my first worship and prayer sesh in a few days. I spend time with the Lord everyday either reading the Bible, reading Francis Chan's Crazy Love, or writing in my prayer journal. But for the past two days I haven't been able to really worship and pray alone. This morning I was still so restless that I pulled a sheet out of my Tues/Thurs journal and wrote a page long prayer while waiting for my professor to show up!
    I finished 2 Corinthians a few days ago but for some reason I read the last few Chapters again tonight without realizing at first that I had already read them. As I read through them the impact they had made on me a few days ago rose up again in my heart and mind but it was now met with greater and more meaningful realizations. 2 Corinthians 13:11 "Finally, brothers and sister, rejoice! Strive for full restoration, encourage one another, be of one mind, live in peace. And the God of love and peace will be with you." I read this and it immediately hit me. How powerful these words were. I wanted to know the whole meaning of them. I read them three or four times then moved in to figure out what they meant: God has a plan. All He wants is for us to give our hearts to Him. We have nothing to worry about. So strive for life in Him; be there for one another in a positive, energetic, and lively way; join together and share the love and faith of the Lord with fellow brothers and sisters in Christ; have peace, serenity, fulfillment in the Lord. For He is with you in all of this and He will guide you in all that you do. This is harder than it looks. But those are four things that Paul is encouraging us to do. Four things we have to concentrate on. Every one of them is good. Every one of them is promising. And every one of them is not ever done alone, but with God.
     Earlier in the chapter I came across this: 2 Corinthians 13:5 "Examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith; test yourselves. Do you not realize that Christ Jesus is in you.." Now a little hesitant at first, I let this one sink in. Am I in the faith? Am I trusting in God, living my life as if it is not mine, but God's? If I tested myself, would I fail?
     Katrina, my roommate, also came in tonight (see things coming together? cray.) And relayed to me what she had learned at Doo Rag (a Christian Ministry on Campus) with extreme excitement, passion, and fervor. She talked to me about how we are always drifting from the Lord. It doesn't matter who you are or where you are. You're drifting. We are sinners. You compare yourself to that "really pretty" girl, you're drifting. You even think about yelling at your mom, you're drifting. You lie to someone, anyone, you're drifting.  You think about how annoying it is for someone to (fill in the blank), you're drifting. You flinch away from a homeless man, you're drifting. The speaker took it another notch. You think about that knife, you're drifting. You think about that gun to you're head, you're drifting. It's all drifting. We are always drifting no matter how much. So what are we doing about it? Slash...through this, what do you realize about God?
     Now for the last part of the verse, do you realize that Jesus is in you? IN you. Earlier this week (this is where things are coming together again!) I read the second chapter of Francis Chan's Crazy Love and on Friday of last week I went to IV Large Group and what do you know! - I learned a LOT about God!
     Francis talked about how God made us with a purpose. He chose for us to be here. CHOSE for us to be here. Not until I read this did I realize that for so long I had been thinking that He made me THEN He  made a purpose for me. No. He thought about the purpose, then He made me with it in mind. He willingly made me. Just to love me, use me in His giant awesome plan, and have me love Him. How honorable is that!!!! The God of the universe actually thought deeply about who He wanted me to be and how He was going to use me. CJ taught me how the Lord God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit were one together, before the world, before the universes, before anything. They were COMPLETELY full in joy, love, beauty, trust, faith. They were completely full and perfect. But then God made the world to share it with us. I always wonder why He did this. But then I think about the true reason for why we chose and want to have children. And that just, without much more explanation, explains it. To realize this! To realize these truths... but to really truly believe and live them...
     Francis's last powerful point of chapter 2 in Crazy Love is the idea that we could die.. anytime. Most of us know this, I hope. But do we really realize it? Do we really live like it? Do we REALLY live like it? This has been a huge conviction for me. Ever since I read this on Monday I realized, no, I don't live like this truly. Granted, I am a spontaneous person, I live for today as much as I possibly can, and I try to cherish was God gives me every morning, every moment. But if I am being honest. I don't LIVE like this is a truth to me. If I died today what would I have to say for that? Did I glorify God in all I did. Did I love everyone as much as I could that I came in contact with? Did I see the joy in the world that God has made and cease it with all I could?
    Paradoxically I woke up from a slumber of restlessness and entered into the peace of God. I know that God has a plan for me. That He knows me inside and out. He knew all of me before I was born. He knew all of me 200 years ago! He purposefully chose to make me for a specific reason. All I need to do is run after HIM. Find peace in HIM. Focus on HIM and the purpose will be fulfilled. He will instill in me the passions, the motives, the tasks that He wants me to complete. I've realized that He is in me. He always has been. Now I will follow Him. With everything.  And know that He is with me. Now I will live like I know God. Wake on up from your slumber and Live with me! :)
   
   
   

Home, In Every Way Possible

     "HHHHIIIIIIIIII!!!!! AAHHHHH!!!!!! I MISSED YOU SO MUCHH!!!!! AAHHHHHHHHH" - Just a little taste of what my entire weekend was like :) Yes! I went home! Don't kill me if I didn't get a chance to see you. My weekend was CRAZY!
     [We are now entering another recap. Just a heads up] The week after the end of my fast was ridiculous in so many ways. My feast, as I described in my last post, was AWESOME. But it lasted longer than I expected. Meaning I continued to "feast" for the next three days. And I didn't follow my own advice: to feast for the glory God. I feasted for myself. Which of course turned out badly. I had a stomach ache, for it seemed like forever, and I didn't talk to God for three days. Now, if I had done that only a month or two ago it would have been something of the norm. But now, after I've given everything to Him, it was as if I literally starved myself for three days. As I was eating like crazy I was...starving like crazy. Hmm. I explained it to my mom like this: Imagine being deeply in love with someone. To the point where you feel connected at a level that you have never felt before. You've spent almost every day with them. Just being with them. Now imagine being cut off from them for three days straight. I'm a romantic, so this scenario makes complete sense to me. But it also makes sense because it's essentially what happened. I didn't make time for God, I was distracted, I was preoccupied, busy, whatever you want to call it. But it was my fault, I let it happen, and it bit me in the butt. Here's another scenario/analogy. Imagine your first home, growing up there from the time you were born until you were around 10 or 12. It's were everything special happened. From Christmas morning and Thanksgiving dinner to homework, fights, laundry, and sleepovers. It's the home you wake up in and the home you go back to every night. Now imagine getting caught on a plane because of fog or a bad storm. You can't get home for the next few days. So you have to make camp in a hotel with only your carry-on bag. You miss your bed, the smell of your kitchen, the big dent in your couch where you always sit. You miss the family you see every morning and every night. You miss your home. Okay... so this is another analogy turned to reality. Kinda.
     [Back from recap!] Like I mentioned my weekend was CRAZY! I was everywhere seeing everyone. The first night I got home I saw my mom and brother of course, my little siblings at my dad's house, my friend Grace Toohey, and some of her friends that were over. The second day I did a walk for homeless and surprised some people at church, catching up with maybe...7 or 10 of them. I got to hang out with Keith and his friends from school, then see my coach and his family, spend time with my grandma, and go shopping with my mom. THEN go to a huge birthday party for my girls Sally, Grace, and their mom and see literally almost everyone from church followed by some alone time with the boyfriend. The next morning I spent time early with my best friend Ciara and then went to church to see everyone, plus more, again. I spent the rest of the day with them and my family and, before I knew it, was on my way home. I had a blast seeing everyone, literally what I had wanted for the past two weeks. But as soon as I was dropped off back at my new home, aka school, I broke down. I was tired. No, exhausted. I was sick now, and I was overwhelmed with all that I had to do for Monday and the rest of the week.
     And then I realized what I had done. Oh the sheep that strays. After my fast I feasted for myself. I didn't replenish myself and marvel in the Lords gifts. I marveled in the great JMU food that I could eat whenever I wanted now. I didn't even spend time with God! I didn't go home and rest. I didn't go home and sleep. I didn't go home and smell my kitchen, sit on my couch, or sleep in my bed for very long at all. I've spoken about this before. God gave me this body for a reason. Gave me this heart and this life for a reason. But I can't serve Him well and appreciate what He's given me if I don't care for myself. If I don't replenish myself physically, emotionally, and spiritually...what good am I? And of course God hits me with a verse as soon as I open my Bible again. To encourage me, remind me, and guide me.
     "The god of this age has blinded the minds of unbelievers, so that they cannot see the light of the gospel that displays the glory of Christ, who is the image of God. For what we preach is not ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, and ourselves as your servants for Jesus' sake."
   "Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For out light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is unseen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."
     "And he dies for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again."

I realized that God is more. So much more than me. But He still chooses to work on me and spend time with me and listen to my complaints, my frustrations, my joys, my sorrows, my wonders, my dreams. We are here to live for Him, to work for Him. That is not just what will fill that hole in our hearts but its what our hearts are made of and for. What the poo was I doing!?

     Then he took me back, and spoke to me through Paul, my bff, again.
     Paul says that God said "I will live with them and walk among them and I will be their God, and they will be my people."
     Paul also tells the people of Corinth, straight forward, with a heart for the Lord, "I have said before that you have such a place in our hearts that we would live or die with you. I have spoken to you with great frankness: I take great pride in you. I am greatly encouraged; in all our troubles my joy knows no bounds."
     God's awesome; He just...knows.